Article Dan speed blogs

Short sharp shocks to the world 
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Sex in an MRI scanner - reproductive science for lay-persons

From the nether vaults of The New Scientist comes (ahem) this stunning video of people being scanned having sex in an MRI scanner (be warned this may technically fall under the banner #nsfw not safe for work):

This vital study of people's vitals filled with vitality is catchily titled: Magnetic resonance imaging of male and female genitals during coitus and female sexual arousal. And this video's expositional voice over is just wonderful. Describing the niche and not-so-niche nature of the study in laconic, slightly amused American tones:

"Of interest to specialists and also, perhaps, to lay-persons who have an interest in reproductive anatomy." Lay-persons? Excuuuuuse the pun.

They required people who were 'willing and able to perform under technologically cloistered conditions'. Baby, I do some of my best work under technologically cloistered conditions - where do I sign?

That's MRIght, baby. That's the place I like to bring the sexy. Come visit my technological cloister, you beautiful, scannable thing, you - let's make sweet sense of science!

And, I think that's where I'll leave that.

Keep th' faith,
Article Dan

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Filed under  //   Bizarre   Humour   science   sex   Video  

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Amazon, Kindle and Orwell - a baby sister tantrum people need to get over

So the news has been hot for the last week with the HORROR at Amazon's uber-ironic recall of George Orwell books from its Kindle e-reader devices. The beef? That they simply reached in and pulled that shit out of people's devices without so much as a by-your-leave, warning or request. They stole 1984 from Kindle users!
Well, no they didn't. Everyone was reimbursed. And all of this was only because Amazon had sort of stolen it in the first place. These works of Orwell had been mistakenly released to Kindle download without license. So, finding themselves accidentally in breach of some pretty vociferously applied laws, the Amazon crew ran a recall. A recall, which in this glorious digital age required little more than a flick of a switch and schhhhhhhkooop! All those infringing digital books were gone and the legal troubles with them.

Only then the consumer troubles began...  People have been up in arms about this act of invasion by Amazon. “You RAPED my Kindle and burned my rights!” came the calls. Amazon's privacy invasion recalls Big Brother, right? These guys have watchtowers in our devices and they're like filthy O'Briens taking back whatever the feel fit. The whole thing's too delicious and dirty not to Delicious and Digg.

If you want a picture of the future imagine a Kindle pressing onto a human face - forever...

As one of my readers noted, it’s like Barnes & Noble sneaking into our homes in the middle of the night, taking some books that we’ve been reading off our nightstands, and leaving us a check on the coffee table.

Dear god. It is SO not like that. It might be if you were living in a timewarp, or a bubble of hypocrisy. Oh wait...

This is so ridiculous. The people who so thrive upon, evangelise and espouse the beauties of freedoms that the Digital Revolution has provided – free content; file-sharing; music you can buy (or steal) with a mouse click; movies you can watch without ever walking near a cinema or DVD store; the books you can read without crossing the threshold of a bookstore...

You can't celebrate and bask in the digital age – scorn the Music Industry for getting it all so wrong; mock the Movies for losing the plot; yell that the newspapers are dying with French Revolutionary glee – THEN moan when this digital free spirit comes and bites you on the ass.

You don't even own anything on the Kindle anyway. You bought a license to read the intellectual property and rights protected writings of George Orwell; you didn't buy the rights themselves. Same way, when you buy a CD of music you have bought a piece of shiny plastic; not the music on it; same with the DVD – that movie ain't yours. If it WAS yours don't you think you'd be able to play it where-so-ever you damn well liked? I can't play my DVDs in America (region 1). Or China (region 6). Or on an oil rig for that matter (region 7 or 8 - it's unclear).

You don't own any of this crap. You never have. And now you don't even buy it wrapped in gatefold plastic, surely that makes it all the clearer. It's just data, and you're just accessing it under a strict set of permissions. So WHEN the guys who've granted you the license to play / watch / read a set of data realise that it was never theirs to let you read and they decide to remove the offending data from your Kindle, shall I tell you what it's NOT like: it's NOT like a bookstore breaking into your house and taking back a book you bought.

There was no bookstore. There was no bookstore guy. There was no bookshelf in your house. There was no book. There was just data.

You can't apply an analogue paradigm to a digital principle. Back in the analogue day you couldn't buy a book with the tap of a key on a Kindle and suddenly have the complete works of Emily Bronte on a handheld device at practically no cost. Back in the day, you'd be unlikely to buy a book that didn't have correct rights for your digital platform and have it recalled with the tap of a key. Swings and roundabouts, folks.

But it's Big Brother, Dan. The nanny state, but the nanny's packing a swag-bag and a burglar's mask!

Really? You don't want the instant recall? If an iPhone app was released and you bought it (you don't own that by the way, you have it under license), and it turned out to be crashing your phone – you'd want them to fix it, right? And they would. With the flick of a switch. (Apple have long been berated for having a 'kill switch' for iPhone apps – Big Brother Steve Jobs... What a crock. It makes complete sense to be able to remove bad data from a phone / ipod expediently. Get over it.)

If you bought a car and there was duff software messing up the balance or the breaking and they could just remove it immediately, remotely, without bothering you - making you safer - you'd want them to, right? You'd want them to tell you they'd done it afterwards, but for the sake of getting it done - just do it.

If you bought a digital book and the last page was missing you'd want them to add that last page with the flick of a switch – and they could. You don't end up like Tony Hancock; no, you get that missing page popped back in in version 1.2.

A few people downloaded data they shouldn't have (by accident); they had it taken away – as if it were a virus or malware (it WAS illegal on your Kindle). They were refunded. Get over it. We've been telling the music industry to get over the same shit – to find a new model, to pull its head out of its ass, well – here's our turn to grow up and realise where and WHEN we live.

Keep th' faith,
Article Dan

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Filed under  //   Amazon   Bizarre   funny   George Orwell   Kindle   New Media   News  

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Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus - The movie that will save the film industry

Yes. You read that title right: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. A real movie. And no, your eyes do not deceive you, the movie features - Deborah 'Debbie' Gibson.

If you're asking 'Debbie WHO?' then you are wayyyy too young and I resent your youth and the innocence that comes with it. And you're too young to watch what follows. Go to bed, you fucker.



But c'mon - more than Snakes on a Plane - THIS LOOKS AWESOME! The shark, people - the shark jumps out of the ocean and attacks a jumbo jet! If that doesn't warrant the cost of a movie ticket... Well, I'm... Hell, I may as well just come right out and say it: This movie will single-handedly (plus eight tentacledly) SAVE THE MOVIE INDUSTRY.

There, I said it.

Piracy will be crushed under the weight of box office demand. Debbie Gibson will have her star on Hollywood Boulevard. The Asylum will receive the Nobel Prize for Cinema. The world will be a better place.

A place where music and good times can once again rule. Like they did in 1988. Like they did when Debbie was doing her thing:



Keep th' faith and th' receipt,

Article Dan

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Filed under  //   Bizarre   Debbie Gibson   Movie   Video  

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New landmark in self-destruction: surrealicide

This is not to make light of a man's despair and personal tragedy, nor am I proud to direct eyeballs and traffic towards The Sun's webshite, but honestly - this is just too fucking bizarre:
 
Headline
 
SAW SUICIDE
 
Story:
 
A man is so depressed about his house being repossessed he commits suicide by cutting off his own head with a chainsaw.
 
Sounds a grim and messy way of taking yourself out of the equation, right? Well, not as grim as it is odd. The dude didn't simply rev up the spinning chain of death and set to hacking off his noggin. No he thought it through and

'plugged it into the mains and put a timer on the socket, then took a cocktail of pills to knock himself out. He rested the saw on his neck and once he passed out, the timer went off – slicing through his neck in an instant. ' from The Sun

Seriously. That's tragic and crackers.

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Filed under  //   Bizarre   Chainsaw   News   Suicide  

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The statue has no genitals; its genitals have become a statue

Amidst the madness of an exhibition in the Musee d'art moderne examining the links between glam-rock and the industrial revolution... (Yes, I know), I met this fellow:
 
 
The Burry Man - a man made of burrs. Standing proud, yet strangely bashful - his twig and berries absent. We must assume that his anatomy was truncated by some coyness in the artist, perhaps chastened by memories of the sexless Barbies and Kens of their childhood...
 
Nope.
 
Meet the Burry Man's genitals, pinned to an adjacent wall:
 
 
Now, where's the dignity in that for a fella, burry or otherwise? Sheeesh!
 
Keep th' faith and your hands off my burry bits,
 
Article Dan

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Filed under  //   Art   Bizarre   Genitals   Humour  

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Bacon in bed - a reason to wed

Oh. My. Lord.
 
Take a look at this: the Wake 'n' Bacon. The 21st Century has come to its zenith early. Balls to the 'singularity' of Artificial Intelligence; fuck the Large Haydron Collider; the Wake 'n' Bacon is here:
 
 See the wooden bedside pig. A simple piece of furniture? No, sir - 'tis more! Look at the lights! The LED display! This is something more!
 
 Holy streaky goodness, Batman! This bedside pig actually COOKS you bacon while you sleep. So you can finally live the dream of waking to the sweet smells of fresh cooked bacon in the morning. It's genius. Genius, I tell you.
 
Of course, it's the logical evolution of the Teasmade. Which incidentally I recommend you get to accompany the
Wake n Bacon. Nothing like a fresh cup of coffee to go with your bacon sandwi... Oh, hold on. You'll need a breadmaker too, for that fresh-baked bread to make your bacon sandwich, to go with your coffee.
 
Don't forget a ketchup dispenser. Maybe a smoothie-maker would help hit the spot. And surely there's a wooden chicken out there that can rustle me some eggy action to go with my bacon? The cuddley bedside coddler?
 
Fuck alive, this shit's worth getting married for. I mean there's a bedroom breakfast bar wedding list to die for here. Imagine that first day after the night's nuptuals - waking up to breakfast with the one you love. And every day thereafter. A life together basking in the glory of your bacony boudoir. Divorce rates will fall to the rising might of coronary heart disease.
 
 
Romance made better by the progress of appliances. You saw it here first.
 
Article Dan

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Filed under  //   Bacon   Bacon in bed   Bedside bacon buddy   Bizarre   Humour   Teasmade   Wake n Bacon  

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Apple drops controvertial South Park episode?

Long time no blog.
 
And I'm so scathing of bloggers who only post once in a blue moon. Git -know thyself.
 
Anyway - quickly, quickly: to the point, sir! I've been catching up on a load of South Park episodes lately. A show I freely admit I simply didn't get when it was first aired on terrestrial channels (remember them...?). But now... The later seasons? This is some of the most original, pointed and effective iconoclastic satire I've ever seen -certainly the most irreverent and ballsy comedy available to TV at the moment.
 
I was discussing a few eps with a colleague, who mentioned the Trapped in the Closet episode (ep 12 season 9), where Stan is identified as the reincarnation of Ron L Hubbard and becomes leader of the Church of Scientology. Hilarious.
 
Tom Cruise spends the episode hiding in Stan's closet ("Tom Cruise - please come out of the closet!" is much repeated); John Travolta is asked to intervene and ends up hiding in the closet with him. R Kelly (infamous for his 12-part (dare I say 12-aria?) R&B opera - yes, I said R&B opera -  Trapped in the Closet Watch and wonder:
 
 
Is it genius? Is it madness? I'd like to think there's room for both in your hearts when you judge the above!
 
Aaaaaanyhoo - this episode of South Park was controvertial for many reasons - notably at least for Isaac Hayes (voice of Chef) quitting the show in protest of the episode's cruel portrayal of his 'religion'. Isaac Hayes died soon afterwards, though no connections have been made between the two incidents. BUT more controvertail still is that in attempting to download said episode from iTunes - where I buy all my South Park eps. I discover the episode has been REMOVED from the iTunes store! Check it out -Season 9 Ep 12 ain't there. Like bed 13 in a hospital ward - it just ain't there!
 
Is Steve Jobs a scientologist? Or just susceptible to being leaned upon by an aggressive bunch of radical loons?
 
I have to say I am disappointed in iTunes. Really disappointed. So, for your viewing pleasure, I give two fingers to iTunes, Jobs and the Church of Scientology and offer you the episode via the wonders of the 'free' internet:
 
 
Keep your own council and keep th' faith,
 
Article Dan

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Filed under  //   Bizarre   Humour   iTunes   R Kelly   South Park   Trapped in the Closet   Video  

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Paedo-likes and Paedophile tribute acts

There's a niche market out there. Heads up, Agents, touts, Venture Capitalists and Dragon's Den investors, because here's where the ship full of cash cows both sails and comes in: Paedophile tribute acts.

 

Take for instance our man Mike Taylor here. He's got himself a talent: he can sing and looks a bit like a famous glam-rock star. Time to start a tribute band, methinks - bring on the girls; rake in the cash.

 

 

 

But then - ouch - turns out our man Mike Taylor can also sing and looks a bit like infamous paedophile Gary Glitter. There's a potential career crimper right there.

 

But full credit to Mike - he soldiers on. Mike Taylor is not the kind of guy to let the opprobrium of the world's nations crap on a nice little earner. No, sir. The show must go on.

 

And why not? In fact - is this not genius? Take a negative and turn it into a positive - turn career RIP into cabaret USP! Welcome to the freak show.

 

People are going to flock to the Gary Glitter Explosion the same way they crowded the gallows; the way people enjoy Hostel and Hostel 2; the way we all like the opportunity to paint placards with messages of hate and stage mock immolations on the streets when a footballer cost us the World Cup.

 

It's perfect. And surely the blueprint for other similar enterprises? Harold Shipman look-a-like appointments for your gran (how we laughed) complete with novelty prescriptions; Winona Ryder-likes to open shopping malls and then go on the rob until caught (both literally and virtually on mobile video) by eager citizens; wedding ceremonies sanctified by a licensed Bertrand Cantat double who finishes the ceremony with a cheeky "You may kiss, then murder the bride."

 

Remember - you saw it start here. 

 

FYI - Mike Taylors' Gary Glitter Explosion (the vast inappropriateness of the rhyming slang alone makes for ticket-sales gold) is available for booking now.

 

Keep th' faith,

Article Dan

 

(Props to Shark Trager for pointing this one out to me)

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Filed under  //   Bizarre   Gary Glitter   Humour   paedophiles   Tribute act  

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NASA scientist says aliens exist!

This Kerrang! radio interview (no, hold on, stay with me!) with Edgar Mitchell, Astronaught and scientist (6th Man on the moon) works wonders on about a hundred levels!

The real joy though, is not that a man with 'apparently' high-level clearance to NASA intelligence is telling us with 'authority' that aliens not only definitely exist, but also that we have been visited on numerous occasions, but the reactions of the Kerrang! DJ Nick Margerrison - check out about 25 seconds in when Edgar Mitchell drops his insider bombshell - the next 30 seconds are gold; then at 2mins 45 - again "I just want to check I've not stumbled upon astronaught humour and you're going to tell me later you're pulling my leg!"



NASA have been pretty clear in their response that they do not share Dr Mitchell's views but, by crikey, this is still an amazing scoop. the Kerrang! team must have soiled their pants every-which-way when this was happening! Radio GOLD!!!

The interviewer Nick keeps it together quite well after his initial plunge into flabbergasted incredulity, and even draws towards the conclusion that the world is perhaps being gradually readied for the big disclosure that we are, indeed, not alone in the galaxy. He sites the recent release from the Vatican that it is not heresy for Catholics to believe in aliens
.

But then, read about Edgar Mitchell and you'll start to see that his views and scientific studies are kinda left-field fruity, and always have been; apparently he conducted private (non-NASA) ESP experiments while he was on space missions.

Personally, I believe there simply must be alien life out there in the universe; after all every star is a sun setting somewhere. However, I'm not sure I believe in the whole Roswell / Area 51 conspiracy thing either. Seems all too unlikely. Plus, NASA's budget would be enormous if we had had contact with other 'alien' races, but then again - maybe these figures tell us that they've quietly been busy all along...?

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Filed under  //   Aliens   Bizarre   Edgar Mitchell   NASA  

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Physical enhancement spam - going to fatal lengths?

So, here's a recent piece of spam:

Touch her heart with your new babymaker.

Now, at first I was a little surprised by the, oh I don't know, sensitivity? of this ad for penis enlargement. I mean - read it, it's quite New Man really: Touch her heart with your new babymaker. You're going to come together in a joyful, romantic union to commit to that most precious of acts to create a new life.

Awwwww…

But then, reading again: Touch her heart with your new babymaker.

How fucking LONG are you making this thing that you can actually touch her heart with it!? And surely that's a fatal action? Let alone the actual lightly deadly act of prodding at a woman's heart with a ludicrously long love stick while shagging, but the amount of vital organs that must have been battered and pushed aside in the process of said behemoth babymaker making its way up there!

God, it's too horrible to consider. Don't even go there. (In so many ways!)

I apologise and leave you with cute floaty otters holding hands to take your mind off all things awful

Keep th' faith,
Dan

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Filed under  //   Advertising   Bad taste - don't read this   Bizarre   Cute otters   Humour   Marketing   Spam  

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